Peter Griffin's funniest quotes 2

Chris: Dad, there's a guy outside who says I can't go to school.
Peter: Yeah? Him and what army?
Chris: The U.S. Army.
Peter: ...that's a good army.

[Peter and Brian are touring the Pawtucket Brewery]
Peter Griffin: Wow, it's like I died and went to heaven, then God realized it wasn't my time yet, so He sent me back to a brewery.

[Death holds up Peter's death certificate]
Peter Griffin: Where did you get that?
Death: It was e-mailed to me by your HMO.

Bonnie Swanson: Somebody save him, he can't swim!
Peter Griffin: Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick Joe, kick.
Lois Griffin: Peter, he's a paraplegic!
Peter Griffin: That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick Joe, kick!

come one come all, she floats like a butterfly and stings like I pee

Peter Griffin's funniest quotes

Peter: I'd like to propose a toast to our neighbors. Sure they might be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey, if they moved out some smelly Hawaiians might move in.

Peter: Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house you have to clean it.

Peter: You know those Germans; if you don't join the party, they come get you.

Peter: Lois may be worth a million bucks to you, but to me she's worthless

Peter Griffin: The deep south? Isn't that the place where the black guys are really lazy and all the white guys are just as lazy but they're mad at the black guys for being so lazy?

Peter Griffin: What's wrong, Stewie, don't you wanna pee in the toilet bowl like a big boy? Boy I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud.
[Flashbacks to one year ago]
Peter: [Zips up pants] Hey Lois, I did it.

Peter: Don't worry I got an idea. An idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about...