Cream of the Crop

Lois: Peter,why are we stopped?
Peter: Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers...
Lois: Peter for God's sakes she's havin' a baby!
Peter: Oh that's right...and a kid's meal... and uh,I, I guess I'll have fries...if I have fries is anyone else gonna have any? Cuz,uh I don't wanna be the only one eatin' them... I'll feel like a fatty.

Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?

Peter (narrating his own life): "I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. (Lois knocks Peter out.)
I woke several hours later in a daze."

Peter (when he's hungover): This sucks worse than that time I went to that museum. (Flashback to childhood, standing in museum looking at dinosaur
skeltons.)
Peter (as a child): Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night.

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

Peter: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running?
Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually.

Peter Griffin's funniest quotes 2

Chris: Dad, there's a guy outside who says I can't go to school.
Peter: Yeah? Him and what army?
Chris: The U.S. Army.
Peter: ...that's a good army.

[Peter and Brian are touring the Pawtucket Brewery]
Peter Griffin: Wow, it's like I died and went to heaven, then God realized it wasn't my time yet, so He sent me back to a brewery.

[Death holds up Peter's death certificate]
Peter Griffin: Where did you get that?
Death: It was e-mailed to me by your HMO.

Bonnie Swanson: Somebody save him, he can't swim!
Peter Griffin: Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick Joe, kick.
Lois Griffin: Peter, he's a paraplegic!
Peter Griffin: That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick Joe, kick!

come one come all, she floats like a butterfly and stings like I pee

Peter Griffin's funniest quotes

Peter: I'd like to propose a toast to our neighbors. Sure they might be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey, if they moved out some smelly Hawaiians might move in.

Peter: Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house you have to clean it.

Peter: You know those Germans; if you don't join the party, they come get you.

Peter: Lois may be worth a million bucks to you, but to me she's worthless

Peter Griffin: The deep south? Isn't that the place where the black guys are really lazy and all the white guys are just as lazy but they're mad at the black guys for being so lazy?

Peter Griffin: What's wrong, Stewie, don't you wanna pee in the toilet bowl like a big boy? Boy I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud.
[Flashbacks to one year ago]
Peter: [Zips up pants] Hey Lois, I did it.

Peter: Don't worry I got an idea. An idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about...